The Day

Todays the day.

The day that my world was almost ended by my own hands and brain.

It was a very traumatic day that I still am working to heal from. Every moment I’m choosing to move forward towards growth, even when it is excruciating for me at times.

One year ago today was a perfect storm of sorts. So many changes happening in our family life, so much uncertainty, the 420 house situation was so tough to get cleared up, the lack of meds for the OCD, the underlying CPTSD, sleep schedules being so off along with my eating schedule, the heavy load of grief and so much more.

One year ago I was saved.

First by my husbands brave and quick actions.

Then by emergency responders.

Followed by the biggest blessing of a CNA who was assigned to sit with me in my room. I would have died that day if she wasn’t fighting for me to breathe as my care was being ignored by others that were tasked with helping me..

One year ago I got to see firsthand the brokenness of our mental health system.

One year ago I went from a woman having a mental health crisis to being treated as though I was a woman in active addiction. That may be shocking to some that you get treated differently between those two but you do. I lived through it.

I lived through it. Through an OCD intrusive thought episode that tried to take my life. Through the difference in treatment when they got my drug testing back. Through getting mental health help. Through hard diagnosis. Through healing all kinds of trauma.

Making it through it was the only way to the other side. It required me to own the traumas I knew about and allow the ones that bubbled up to have space too. To have ownership in how it affected me and created the world that I was living in.

Through it looked different each day. Some days were filled with weepy tears as all kinds of emotions flowed over me. Other days it was the hard task of trying to process whatever trauma was surfacing that day. Every single day there was a choice to be still in the midst of this storm. Choosing stillness even when it was incredibly hard or uncomfortable was one of the biggest challenges but also was absolutely the best way for me to get through each day.

Therapy and medications are key tools to this whole journey, realizing the severity of my OCD and CPTSD I knew that it was time to do more than just try to manage it on my own.

For goodness sakes I was in the hospital, on the verge of death because my brain was far too sick, I needed to truly let it all go and focus on leaning on the tools that were being given to me.

Choosing to be transparent on this journey has been incredibly tough on me but God was telling me that he plans to use my mess to help others. So I obeyed and shared even when I didn’t really want to, I wanted to heal in the shadows but he wants me to bring it all in the light.

My biggest worry about sharing or going in to detail is the judgement that will come from people who I am connected to. For sure have lost connections from sharing and that is ok, makes me sad but I know it’s for the best. The whispers in messages about me and their speculations. Or the accusations of sharing for attention when for me I sure would share anything other than this if I wanted attention, you know?

A year out and I feel insanely thankful for the path God has provided through all of this, I smile every time I notice even the slightest bit of his doing in all of this. He had me the whole time. He saved me from me. He has plans for me far greater than I could ever imagine. He is going to use my mess to help others. After smiling as I realize yet another God wink in all of this I typically start to cry. Allowing the tears to roll down my skin as they cleanse away another layer that I need to heal through.

One year out and I have such a mountain ahead of me to climb as I still have so much to work through. But now I have the tools to tackle each trauma as it bubbles up or each hard moment that comes my way.

One year out and I get to be here to celebrate with all of you that I survived.

Blessings,

Nicole

PS: Thank you for the prayers and support during this last year, please keep it coming as I continue on this hard path of healing. Thank you for reaching out to me to share how this has helped you on your healing journey. I do struggle with responding, chatting and such, please just know it’s not you-it’s me. So if I haven’t been able to respond, pick up the call, etc it’s something I am actively working on with my therapist. Thank you for respecting my boundaries and giving me so much grace.